Jab dil hi tooth gaya...
not dat anythin's happened t my dil...but dats de kinda mood im in now...feel lik buggin every1 by singin al sad songs...only i kno al my frenz re gonna come kill me if i do dat...
Wat to do...
My mood is blue..
I don have a clue..
'Bout wat im gonna do...
Im lookin at de screen..
An im seein spots of green..
Actually some spots re blue..
Which matches my mood too..
oh..wat t do..
My mood is blue...
I can go sleep on my bed..
But its too cold to play dead...
I can go read a book...
But my head is all shook..
I guess i can go study..
But i don wanna be more bored dan i am already...
So as i sit waitin for inspiration t hit..
The god damned mosquito bit!!!
I know dis poem doesn make any sense..
Its not supposed to 'cause its nonsense...
Oh..wat t do...
My mood is blue...
an dat pretty much sums up my present state of mind....an im pretty sure al o you think i should go get my head checked for writin such crap...but Jesus Christ im so fuckin bored!!!
Hmm...maybe i better go bug my frenz wit my songs...
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Depression-You hate it,you wallow in it
so much for real life,
falling in front of me,
invading and replacing my everyday worries.
It's kind of worse when it's real,
when it's in your head it comes and goes...
but there are certain truths you will always know,
recalling the pain any moment as,
the reality cannot change.
I didn't mean for it to be like this,
yellowed shell and faded bliss,
the torment surrounds and drowns and pulls you down
and you swim and you swim or you drown.
But the result of the fight is giving up the right to be normal and happy,
a chore just to be,
makes a shell out of me
and sure there is more than what you see,
but madness has taken it's toll on me.
Can't think beyond the shame,
hug myself tightly to remain unseen,
you don't know me,
the self you see, a shadow I wanna be,
I crave release
beauty aint free,
applied so carefully, to censor what is seen.
You don't know me...
Shadows fall
they do not touch me at all
passing right through me,only affecting the outcome.
Misdeeds~soul bleeds
Faithless~heart weeps
Tired~mind asleep
But it all just,passes by...
Shaking and cold,she stands on her own
all whom she knows drop below her
as she embraces the arms of solitude.
The shame is a mask,
hidden intentions of-death-fallen behind,
in this game of life
idle and faithless
she stands on her own.
Not gasping or struggling
not even drowning
still
treading water,
it all passes by
it all washes away
Yet she remains
she stands alone.
No regret can recover
your words a curse to me
to forever be bound
a shadow of my former self
left behind with my demons
insanity and laughter without reason
prepare me for the grave
for these feelings do not fade
Thoughts of you make me feel,
understood, loved, accepted and connected.
Held within the aura of your smiles and hugs,
you give me strength you give me love,
thank you for loving me and thank you for being you.
Etched into stone
here in my corner
frozen in agony
silent tears fall.
I'm thoughtful and tired
worried about tomorrow
discomfort shows through
fuzzy haze of denial.
I'm looking above
for what should be in my heart
but I lost my faith again.
Brimming with hostility
another version, my reality.
Pain, anger, regret, shame
darkness from the same place.
I don't want to eat
I want to be asleep
or dull the reality
can't take thoughts that haunt me.
Always restless yet,ever tired mind set
how can thoughts scream at me?
When I'm so tired I can't think clearly?
Why do I try to write, what is in my heart?
Does it help me, does it help anyone?
Well it passes the time anyway,
closer and closer to the point
that I can finally just let it go
and go to sleep and forget for awhile.
Why can't I just give up?
Why can't I just sleep forever?
Why can't I just die?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why won't these thoughts leave me?
Why does my heart ache so much?
Why doesn't crying help?
Why do I feel so lost?
Why should I not just give up?
I have nothing new to say
same feelings, different day.
I have nothing left to give
same thoughts, don't want to live.
I have no poetic feeling
these words will not bring me healing.
I am just another lonely soul
surrounded with love, yet all alone.
There is nothing poetic about this pain.
It is simple and ugly.
A pure thing, yes, desperation, anguish, the opposite of peace.
All consuming and never ending, excellent at it's job
Searching around for something to do
when there's real activity all around me.
Nothing pacifies my racing mind
which takes a thought and runs away,
and is never seen again.
Something inside you left behind
if you ever had it at all.
Breaking through the barriers
and then being made to again stack them up.
For the briefest of times you tasted what perhaps you were meant to be
but just like a dream upon waking
one unrelated moment brought it all to a crash.
And you are again left alone with your thoughts
as in the past
knowing what it feels like to be alone.
Crying in vain
knowing you will not again soon hear their voices saying,
“We are your friends, we care.”
Where are they now?
A small dark corner in your mind
A place you thought you'd left behind.
Calling again after all this time
You've seen the pain you know you'll find.
Trying so hard not to hear
Turn your back on all you fear
But your body feels it
it's right there
Right behind the mask you wear.
Fuck you!
I'm losing it
and I'm lost
because of you
LIAR!
Frozen in a moment of perfect agony
mouth open with the force of it wanting to bust out of my soul.
Hands open
pleading before me
yet tensed,ready to scratch my eyes out at any more provocation from death.
Tiny minds trying to grasp infinity.
A moment of peace
but it's not worth a lifetime of guilt.
Your plastic religion
smiling faces
holy places
disgraced by you
forgot by me.
Nothing left but ignorance,
I truly see how you fucked me.
Nothing left of my tears
dry inside and waiting for peace
waiting for years
for the sadness to cease.
And you are all alone
and you are made of stone
And you are leaving love
and you are lost.
Wearing masks, pretending to be ok
while you cut and bleed your life away
while your love laughs
while you cry so hard
Why am I alone
with people all around me?
Forget all this pain and fuck all the shit.
Your dying, your crying, your drowning in it.
No one's there
no one cares
erase the darkness
still no peace.
Where from here?
Kill me sweetly as you do
quiet swords you throw my way.
Softly caress with razors in hand
some more blood from me today.
It's all consuming and I do fear
the silence that has kept me here.
All I craved was kind release
I had a notion I'd be set free.
But for all that's said and despite what's shown
It' a depth of madness I've often known.
This is something I cannot teach you
Despite my fear I cannot reach you.
No new words to say
inspiration fading quickly.
Thoughts are repeating
back to the beginning...
I'd like some help now please.
There is something wrong with my heart it hurts.
And I swear one day I will rip it out rather than feel this pain again.
The message is what's important.
You can distort my words all you want
you can glorify your own.
A shocking realization,of what is at my back.
Spin around, taste creation,blinded by the impact.
Can't handle the aggression
of knowledge within reach.
I may learn a lesson
but can I practice what is preached?
Awareness without correction
will torment the tired mind.
Knowledge without reaction
will stain all peace I find.
Trudging through awareness
trying to break free.
Regurgitated bullshit spouted
but what's it mean to me?
I can't use these words to heal me
can't erase what dwells within.
Can't apply this knowledge to myself
and inspire change to begin.
I am not thinking clearly
muddled, weary brain
and the things I know and the things I see are driving me insane.
Never one to wander
into the dark alone
I find myself in solitude asking no one "take me home"
Exaggeration of the everyday
mundane thoughts transformed
into the storm that is my mind.
Suffocation through life
breathing in toxic waste
see feel and taste it in my skin.
There's so much more than what you see
these eyes are a pale representation.
An image
imprinted on paper
in minds, in my mind.
My eyes
not even a glimpse is seen
of what's beyond these eyes.
All the old worn out cliques
all the things I always say.
"I'm alone and I know why,
hate myself and want to die."
A picture so clear of a moment in time
gone now but the present mimics the past.
Exquisite imperfection
me holding heavy head in hands
excellent at being almost there
but not quite good enough for myself.
We are parched by the heat of our own flaming desires
but balanced by the gentle rain of our united love.
Glossed over the pain
wipe the tears away
in your arms hurt is distant and I feel content.
How could I ever accept this?
to me it's really simple…plain, right before my eyes kind of thing.
The skin I am in doesn't fit
the soul that inhabits this body misplaced.
My heart burned out from too much emotion
no one was meant to feel this everyday.
I can pretend and I can try,(and I will)
but it doesn't change a thing.
Tragic thoughts control me
impossible pain, it holds me.
No stranger to hate, it knows me
and I am lost again.
Tired offering little resistance
as my life is torn away.
Hope upon the horizon
fading fast,as I lose sight of you.
Intricately interwoven patterns of thought
I trace the concepts of my open mind.
Breaking down the barriers
finding peace within these walls.
Seeking answers in shrouded mystery
finding truth within yourself.
Whirlwind of thoughts
lightning flashes of insecurity.
Mind reels from the storm within
I am left sitting alone in the rain.
My pondering is useless.
For all the times I will try
and succeed,there is a timeI will fall.
Will my friends,who hold my hand in laughter,love me while I die?
Creeps behind me,sudden attack.
Strikes me blindly,can't fight back.
Obsessed with pain,this taste of death.
Life' been stolen,casual theft.
Look in my eyes.I am smiling today.
Wake up with this feeling Panic..Is there no in between?
Madness stops and stares at me
offers me a ride,through the darkness that is life.
Tattered torn and broken
empty thoughts left unspoken.
Missing it, something's wrong
(I look at you and you are calm)
Wondering if I will cry
(I look at you and wonder why)
Failing miserably at life's test
(I look at you and I am blessed)
Feeling like I am not known
(I look at you and I am home)
I may be obsessed
but you feed my obsession
I may be in the pits of despair
But your foot kicked me there.
It may ultimately be my fault
And you free of any official blame
But your actions fucked with me
you know what you did
you knew what it would mean
And It fucks with everything I do
Transcending time and space
Apart from this awful place
Above any reason, my fear
Beyond all meaning, my tears
Pain all consuming, it shows
Discomfort unending, it grows
Something inside me that knows
Embracing all I oppose
The opposite of Comprehension is Isolation
My words-Misunderstood
My Thoughts-Unexpressed
My Madness-Unobserved
Human understanding and a peaceI have never known
I feelDifferent and the same
I can speak to you
And relate my madness.
Remind me
That I am young
And I exist
And I have the world before me
No matter what that may be
I Don't rely on destiny
I unfold my own unique path
And live my own precious life
Take the good with the bad
And forget about timeI have plenty of that.
I am so grateful
To have you here by my side
your hand a comfort in mine.
Fully aware of all that we are together
And all we can accomplish if we try
A tumor eating at my brain
This thing I try so hard to change
A constant cloud of self denial
Hardened face
I'm not on trial
Shameful tears
Through the years
Convey my fears
Worthless thoughts
Vacant memories
Faded treasures
RediscoveredTime
again to turn around and faceyour demons.
The sun is rising
And here I sit
Alone with torment
One with sin
Left to ponder
The reasons whyI got so far
I'm still alive
Half asleep
Numb
Hot
cold
Words won't come
Thoughts won't leave
I'm not mad
I'm just alone.
I'm not a fucking bitch
I'm sad
haven't you figured it out yet?
I have the perfect answer and
having said it
I don't feel any better.
I can only be distracted (by conversation)
if there's someone to talk to.
Staring at the flame
Slipping through the pain
Single soul
stands alone
Cannot find the way
Separate myself from this
Smile automatically
So as not to aggravate
Don't make waves
Don't want attention
Numb yourself
Take a hit
Still the pain
Soothe the itch
Fuzzy minds
Don't have to deal
With thoughts that torment
With words that kill
The things that are holding me back
Are the very things I would die for
Everyone leaves
It's only a matter of time
Before it happens to us
It's on the edge of everything
It's on your lips
So spit it out
It's in your eyes
So open them
You speak contradictions
I don't understand
I see you ran away
Well fuck you I'm still here
You aren't here
Locked inside your head
Private despair
I can't touch you
I can't change you
But I feel you
I scar myself to feed obsession.
To pretend I have control.
To have something I can change
something I can point to.
Nothing is original
there's nothing new.
Recycled thoughts.
Torn between feeling justified and feeling ridiculous.
Meanness in your heart
you lash out at me and leave a scar.
I'm left so tired
Just looking for a way to fuck things up
when everything seems to go my way
Obsession close to madness
how can I function this way?
I keep it all inside and smile,"I'm fine"
make something alive out of the dead that is inside me.
To change how I am
to be a better person.
But why?
All my friends leave.
Everything falls apart.
It's hard to smile
facing such a frown.
Why is this so impossible to control?
These days I'm really trying.
I can't stop the shit in my head.
I hate myself
I hide my face.
I want to live in darkness
unseen forever.
Walking down the street
I can feel the eyes on me
and I want to shrink away.
Patterns of thought dug deep
Try to express and I'm left feeling misunderstood.
falling in front of me,
invading and replacing my everyday worries.
It's kind of worse when it's real,
when it's in your head it comes and goes...
but there are certain truths you will always know,
recalling the pain any moment as,
the reality cannot change.
I didn't mean for it to be like this,
yellowed shell and faded bliss,
the torment surrounds and drowns and pulls you down
and you swim and you swim or you drown.
But the result of the fight is giving up the right to be normal and happy,
a chore just to be,
makes a shell out of me
and sure there is more than what you see,
but madness has taken it's toll on me.
Can't think beyond the shame,
hug myself tightly to remain unseen,
you don't know me,
the self you see, a shadow I wanna be,
I crave release
beauty aint free,
applied so carefully, to censor what is seen.
You don't know me...
Shadows fall
they do not touch me at all
passing right through me,only affecting the outcome.
Misdeeds~soul bleeds
Faithless~heart weeps
Tired~mind asleep
But it all just,passes by...
Shaking and cold,she stands on her own
all whom she knows drop below her
as she embraces the arms of solitude.
The shame is a mask,
hidden intentions of-death-fallen behind,
in this game of life
idle and faithless
she stands on her own.
Not gasping or struggling
not even drowning
still
treading water,
it all passes by
it all washes away
Yet she remains
she stands alone.
No regret can recover
your words a curse to me
to forever be bound
a shadow of my former self
left behind with my demons
insanity and laughter without reason
prepare me for the grave
for these feelings do not fade
Thoughts of you make me feel,
understood, loved, accepted and connected.
Held within the aura of your smiles and hugs,
you give me strength you give me love,
thank you for loving me and thank you for being you.
Etched into stone
here in my corner
frozen in agony
silent tears fall.
I'm thoughtful and tired
worried about tomorrow
discomfort shows through
fuzzy haze of denial.
I'm looking above
for what should be in my heart
but I lost my faith again.
Brimming with hostility
another version, my reality.
Pain, anger, regret, shame
darkness from the same place.
I don't want to eat
I want to be asleep
or dull the reality
can't take thoughts that haunt me.
Always restless yet,ever tired mind set
how can thoughts scream at me?
When I'm so tired I can't think clearly?
Why do I try to write, what is in my heart?
Does it help me, does it help anyone?
Well it passes the time anyway,
closer and closer to the point
that I can finally just let it go
and go to sleep and forget for awhile.
Why can't I just give up?
Why can't I just sleep forever?
Why can't I just die?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why won't these thoughts leave me?
Why does my heart ache so much?
Why doesn't crying help?
Why do I feel so lost?
Why should I not just give up?
I have nothing new to say
same feelings, different day.
I have nothing left to give
same thoughts, don't want to live.
I have no poetic feeling
these words will not bring me healing.
I am just another lonely soul
surrounded with love, yet all alone.
There is nothing poetic about this pain.
It is simple and ugly.
A pure thing, yes, desperation, anguish, the opposite of peace.
All consuming and never ending, excellent at it's job
Searching around for something to do
when there's real activity all around me.
Nothing pacifies my racing mind
which takes a thought and runs away,
and is never seen again.
Something inside you left behind
if you ever had it at all.
Breaking through the barriers
and then being made to again stack them up.
For the briefest of times you tasted what perhaps you were meant to be
but just like a dream upon waking
one unrelated moment brought it all to a crash.
And you are again left alone with your thoughts
as in the past
knowing what it feels like to be alone.
Crying in vain
knowing you will not again soon hear their voices saying,
“We are your friends, we care.”
Where are they now?
A small dark corner in your mind
A place you thought you'd left behind.
Calling again after all this time
You've seen the pain you know you'll find.
Trying so hard not to hear
Turn your back on all you fear
But your body feels it
it's right there
Right behind the mask you wear.
Fuck you!
I'm losing it
and I'm lost
because of you
LIAR!
Frozen in a moment of perfect agony
mouth open with the force of it wanting to bust out of my soul.
Hands open
pleading before me
yet tensed,ready to scratch my eyes out at any more provocation from death.
Tiny minds trying to grasp infinity.
A moment of peace
but it's not worth a lifetime of guilt.
Your plastic religion
smiling faces
holy places
disgraced by you
forgot by me.
Nothing left but ignorance,
I truly see how you fucked me.
Nothing left of my tears
dry inside and waiting for peace
waiting for years
for the sadness to cease.
And you are all alone
and you are made of stone
And you are leaving love
and you are lost.
Wearing masks, pretending to be ok
while you cut and bleed your life away
while your love laughs
while you cry so hard
Why am I alone
with people all around me?
Forget all this pain and fuck all the shit.
Your dying, your crying, your drowning in it.
No one's there
no one cares
erase the darkness
still no peace.
Where from here?
Kill me sweetly as you do
quiet swords you throw my way.
Softly caress with razors in hand
some more blood from me today.
It's all consuming and I do fear
the silence that has kept me here.
All I craved was kind release
I had a notion I'd be set free.
But for all that's said and despite what's shown
It' a depth of madness I've often known.
This is something I cannot teach you
Despite my fear I cannot reach you.
No new words to say
inspiration fading quickly.
Thoughts are repeating
back to the beginning...
I'd like some help now please.
There is something wrong with my heart it hurts.
And I swear one day I will rip it out rather than feel this pain again.
The message is what's important.
You can distort my words all you want
you can glorify your own.
A shocking realization,of what is at my back.
Spin around, taste creation,blinded by the impact.
Can't handle the aggression
of knowledge within reach.
I may learn a lesson
but can I practice what is preached?
Awareness without correction
will torment the tired mind.
Knowledge without reaction
will stain all peace I find.
Trudging through awareness
trying to break free.
Regurgitated bullshit spouted
but what's it mean to me?
I can't use these words to heal me
can't erase what dwells within.
Can't apply this knowledge to myself
and inspire change to begin.
I am not thinking clearly
muddled, weary brain
and the things I know and the things I see are driving me insane.
Never one to wander
into the dark alone
I find myself in solitude asking no one "take me home"
Exaggeration of the everyday
mundane thoughts transformed
into the storm that is my mind.
Suffocation through life
breathing in toxic waste
see feel and taste it in my skin.
There's so much more than what you see
these eyes are a pale representation.
An image
imprinted on paper
in minds, in my mind.
My eyes
not even a glimpse is seen
of what's beyond these eyes.
All the old worn out cliques
all the things I always say.
"I'm alone and I know why,
hate myself and want to die."
A picture so clear of a moment in time
gone now but the present mimics the past.
Exquisite imperfection
me holding heavy head in hands
excellent at being almost there
but not quite good enough for myself.
We are parched by the heat of our own flaming desires
but balanced by the gentle rain of our united love.
Glossed over the pain
wipe the tears away
in your arms hurt is distant and I feel content.
How could I ever accept this?
to me it's really simple…plain, right before my eyes kind of thing.
The skin I am in doesn't fit
the soul that inhabits this body misplaced.
My heart burned out from too much emotion
no one was meant to feel this everyday.
I can pretend and I can try,(and I will)
but it doesn't change a thing.
Tragic thoughts control me
impossible pain, it holds me.
No stranger to hate, it knows me
and I am lost again.
Tired offering little resistance
as my life is torn away.
Hope upon the horizon
fading fast,as I lose sight of you.
Intricately interwoven patterns of thought
I trace the concepts of my open mind.
Breaking down the barriers
finding peace within these walls.
Seeking answers in shrouded mystery
finding truth within yourself.
Whirlwind of thoughts
lightning flashes of insecurity.
Mind reels from the storm within
I am left sitting alone in the rain.
My pondering is useless.
For all the times I will try
and succeed,there is a timeI will fall.
Will my friends,who hold my hand in laughter,love me while I die?
Creeps behind me,sudden attack.
Strikes me blindly,can't fight back.
Obsessed with pain,this taste of death.
Life' been stolen,casual theft.
Look in my eyes.I am smiling today.
Wake up with this feeling Panic..Is there no in between?
Madness stops and stares at me
offers me a ride,through the darkness that is life.
Tattered torn and broken
empty thoughts left unspoken.
Missing it, something's wrong
(I look at you and you are calm)
Wondering if I will cry
(I look at you and wonder why)
Failing miserably at life's test
(I look at you and I am blessed)
Feeling like I am not known
(I look at you and I am home)
I may be obsessed
but you feed my obsession
I may be in the pits of despair
But your foot kicked me there.
It may ultimately be my fault
And you free of any official blame
But your actions fucked with me
you know what you did
you knew what it would mean
And It fucks with everything I do
Transcending time and space
Apart from this awful place
Above any reason, my fear
Beyond all meaning, my tears
Pain all consuming, it shows
Discomfort unending, it grows
Something inside me that knows
Embracing all I oppose
The opposite of Comprehension is Isolation
My words-Misunderstood
My Thoughts-Unexpressed
My Madness-Unobserved
Human understanding and a peaceI have never known
I feelDifferent and the same
I can speak to you
And relate my madness.
Remind me
That I am young
And I exist
And I have the world before me
No matter what that may be
I Don't rely on destiny
I unfold my own unique path
And live my own precious life
Take the good with the bad
And forget about timeI have plenty of that.
I am so grateful
To have you here by my side
your hand a comfort in mine.
Fully aware of all that we are together
And all we can accomplish if we try
A tumor eating at my brain
This thing I try so hard to change
A constant cloud of self denial
Hardened face
I'm not on trial
Shameful tears
Through the years
Convey my fears
Worthless thoughts
Vacant memories
Faded treasures
RediscoveredTime
again to turn around and faceyour demons.
The sun is rising
And here I sit
Alone with torment
One with sin
Left to ponder
The reasons whyI got so far
I'm still alive
Half asleep
Numb
Hot
cold
Words won't come
Thoughts won't leave
I'm not mad
I'm just alone.
I'm not a fucking bitch
I'm sad
haven't you figured it out yet?
I have the perfect answer and
having said it
I don't feel any better.
I can only be distracted (by conversation)
if there's someone to talk to.
Staring at the flame
Slipping through the pain
Single soul
stands alone
Cannot find the way
Separate myself from this
Smile automatically
So as not to aggravate
Don't make waves
Don't want attention
Numb yourself
Take a hit
Still the pain
Soothe the itch
Fuzzy minds
Don't have to deal
With thoughts that torment
With words that kill
The things that are holding me back
Are the very things I would die for
Everyone leaves
It's only a matter of time
Before it happens to us
It's on the edge of everything
It's on your lips
So spit it out
It's in your eyes
So open them
You speak contradictions
I don't understand
I see you ran away
Well fuck you I'm still here
You aren't here
Locked inside your head
Private despair
I can't touch you
I can't change you
But I feel you
I scar myself to feed obsession.
To pretend I have control.
To have something I can change
something I can point to.
Nothing is original
there's nothing new.
Recycled thoughts.
Torn between feeling justified and feeling ridiculous.
Meanness in your heart
you lash out at me and leave a scar.
I'm left so tired
Just looking for a way to fuck things up
when everything seems to go my way
Obsession close to madness
how can I function this way?
I keep it all inside and smile,"I'm fine"
make something alive out of the dead that is inside me.
To change how I am
to be a better person.
But why?
All my friends leave.
Everything falls apart.
It's hard to smile
facing such a frown.
Why is this so impossible to control?
These days I'm really trying.
I can't stop the shit in my head.
I hate myself
I hide my face.
I want to live in darkness
unseen forever.
Walking down the street
I can feel the eyes on me
and I want to shrink away.
Patterns of thought dug deep
Try to express and I'm left feeling misunderstood.
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